Have you ever felt like a jerk because you were a jerk to somebody, and then they gave you a present because they thought that they had been a jerk to you?

Long story, but now I have my very own copy of The EcoLogical Calendar and it makes me smile to see two seasons of it stretched out across my wall. Unlike the traditional Gregorian calendar, it isn't divided into arbitrary blocks of time... time is presented as a flow, with astrological and biological rythms. The days and months are almost an afterthought. it's so intuitive, so organic - I love it. Now I can feel like I have more of a connection with nature even as I live in an overdeveloped residential area with way too much light and noise pollution and pitifully little nearby greenspace. Sorry, did that sound like whining? It was.

I'm working on simplifying my life, stressing less (ha ha) and lowering my ecological footprint. It's hard to stay motivated, though, when you're surrounded by glass and concrete and a secular religion that preaches consumption as the one and only God. As a child I lived on a Christmas tree farm in rural New Brunswick where I learned the names of trees, weeds and animals. I watched fireflies in July. I made bread with my Grammy - she always let me punch down the dough. On my breakfast cereal I had wild strawberries, picked from our yard the day before.

It was important that I leave the farm and pursue the life I have, but I'm also painfully aware of what I'm missing: the clarity of the night sky away from city lights, the smell of clean air and growing things, sounds that are easily drowned out by car engines. I have lived among all these things and in their absence feel a void that I lack the words to describe.

At any given time I may have up to three calendars on the go. It's currently two: a (gregorian)wall calendar in my room and a datebook that never leaves my side. I also have a notebook filled with to-do lists. I often tell my friends I don't have time to see them I average seven hours of sleep a night. I vaguely recall concepts such as sponataneity, leisure, even - gasp! - BOREDOM. Half of my awareness is perpetually focussed on the next task while the other half is usually on the lookout for danger. There's room for little else. The marvel that is modern western society.

Now I need to relearn how to notice what surrounds me. I can't remember the last time I even looked at the stars. The next cloudless night I'm bundling up and going outside; feel free to join me.