Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
New
(In which Sassy Tortuga engages in a long-winded and self-serving narrative about her personal journey)
Image from Bristol Life Drawing
Life is full of times of intense inner transformation, and for me this is one of them. A year ago I found myself questioning my path, my choices and the relationship that I had been in for three years. I had stagnated. So took off - across the country, looking for a place to call my own and a magical transformation that would show me exactly what I wanted. But as with so many life-changing experiences, there was no thunder, no fairy dust. I had a moment alone in the forest in Haida Gwaii, a magical place with which many people (some of whom I now count as friends) have fallen in love and decided to stay. But what I got out of that moment was simply "not here, not now."
I kept going with the career path - not because I had suddenly fallen in love with the law, but because it was still a reasonable option before me at the time. I still believed in my ability to use this degree to make a difference where it matters.
I ended the relationship. In retrospect it wasn't a sudden decision, but it was the first time I had found the courage to face that little voice inside. The person I long considered my best friend will no longer speak to me. But it was a sacrifice I had to make.
At that point I thought that things would begin moving, and quickly. I expected bursts of clarity, astonishing vitality. Instead, I couldn't concentrate, I got shitty grades and I slipped into a funk. Again I started to question what I was doing in law school and what I could do to get out - and whether I would have the guts to do what I had to do when I figured out what that was. With the economy in a nosedive I was anxious about money, about my future prospects. I had to think, and think fast, about job applications, and I had never felt less qualified to do what I was expected to do.
I felt like my Self was a dark house and I couldn't find the light switch. I knew it was around somewhere and that once I did things would begin to get better. But I couldn't find it, and I was stumbling and tripping over things in my efforts.
That was two weeks ago. I have since learned the most important lesson of law school so far, and that is not to let my self-worth depend on arbitrary comparisons to the people around me. I had created this identity for myself that was based on being a high achiever in my undergrad, and when I didn't keep doing more of the same I thought that I had failed. But quite apart from the fact that law school is a much bigger game than undergrad Poli Sci, that the players are all intellectual heavyweights and that even getting INTO the game is a colossal achievement, I needed to realize that it doesn't REALLY matter whether I have a superior grasp of the principled hearsay exception or if I'm hyperinvolved in student government.
I have brains in my head, I have feet in my shoes (with apologies to Doctor Seuss)...I make a mean salad, I have the cajones to take off across the country (or the continent) by myself, I'm not afraid to get dirty and I see the world differently than most people do. No matter what, I'll make a great life for myself.
Of course I haven't totally snapped out of it. There will always be things I want to change about myself. But most of the job applications are in, and the response so far has been positive (although I'm not going to elaborate just yet). I'm dating someone who truly blows me away - he's incredible. And I'm really putting the effort into honouring myself.
Instead of making a million and one resolutions this year, only to abandon them and then beat myself up over it, I've made one. I have committed to taking care of my body. The rest, I think, will follow. I'm eating healthy and getting active. I hate the gym so I'm finding ways to never feel guilty about not going: not just doing yoga and taking the stairs, but really awesome fun stuff: salsa dancing on Thursdays, swing dancing on Saturdays and hula hooping on Sundays.
Life is good, my friends, even when it feels like garbage. Thanks for sticking with me. I love you all.
Besos,
Sassy Tortuga
Image from Bristol Life Drawing
Life is full of times of intense inner transformation, and for me this is one of them. A year ago I found myself questioning my path, my choices and the relationship that I had been in for three years. I had stagnated. So took off - across the country, looking for a place to call my own and a magical transformation that would show me exactly what I wanted. But as with so many life-changing experiences, there was no thunder, no fairy dust. I had a moment alone in the forest in Haida Gwaii, a magical place with which many people (some of whom I now count as friends) have fallen in love and decided to stay. But what I got out of that moment was simply "not here, not now."
I kept going with the career path - not because I had suddenly fallen in love with the law, but because it was still a reasonable option before me at the time. I still believed in my ability to use this degree to make a difference where it matters.
I ended the relationship. In retrospect it wasn't a sudden decision, but it was the first time I had found the courage to face that little voice inside. The person I long considered my best friend will no longer speak to me. But it was a sacrifice I had to make.
At that point I thought that things would begin moving, and quickly. I expected bursts of clarity, astonishing vitality. Instead, I couldn't concentrate, I got shitty grades and I slipped into a funk. Again I started to question what I was doing in law school and what I could do to get out - and whether I would have the guts to do what I had to do when I figured out what that was. With the economy in a nosedive I was anxious about money, about my future prospects. I had to think, and think fast, about job applications, and I had never felt less qualified to do what I was expected to do.
I felt like my Self was a dark house and I couldn't find the light switch. I knew it was around somewhere and that once I did things would begin to get better. But I couldn't find it, and I was stumbling and tripping over things in my efforts.
That was two weeks ago. I have since learned the most important lesson of law school so far, and that is not to let my self-worth depend on arbitrary comparisons to the people around me. I had created this identity for myself that was based on being a high achiever in my undergrad, and when I didn't keep doing more of the same I thought that I had failed. But quite apart from the fact that law school is a much bigger game than undergrad Poli Sci, that the players are all intellectual heavyweights and that even getting INTO the game is a colossal achievement, I needed to realize that it doesn't REALLY matter whether I have a superior grasp of the principled hearsay exception or if I'm hyperinvolved in student government.
I have brains in my head, I have feet in my shoes (with apologies to Doctor Seuss)...I make a mean salad, I have the cajones to take off across the country (or the continent) by myself, I'm not afraid to get dirty and I see the world differently than most people do. No matter what, I'll make a great life for myself.
Of course I haven't totally snapped out of it. There will always be things I want to change about myself. But most of the job applications are in, and the response so far has been positive (although I'm not going to elaborate just yet). I'm dating someone who truly blows me away - he's incredible. And I'm really putting the effort into honouring myself.
Instead of making a million and one resolutions this year, only to abandon them and then beat myself up over it, I've made one. I have committed to taking care of my body. The rest, I think, will follow. I'm eating healthy and getting active. I hate the gym so I'm finding ways to never feel guilty about not going: not just doing yoga and taking the stairs, but really awesome fun stuff: salsa dancing on Thursdays, swing dancing on Saturdays and hula hooping on Sundays.
Life is good, my friends, even when it feels like garbage. Thanks for sticking with me. I love you all.
Besos,
Sassy Tortuga
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